I have had the misfortune of becoming a narcissistic abuse victim in several relationships and was taken to the depths of hell during this time.
On one occasion I was discarded for my best friend and not allowing myself time to heal resulted in me entering into a new relationship with a man who was going to ‘change my life’. He told me we would heal each other’s wounds, he was my soul mate and soon I was head over heels in love.
He perfected the Love Bombing stage like a Trojan, in fact in those early days I often said, wow, you are just too good to be true! Sound familiar?
On the surface, life was good again, I had a great job, high energy, two beautiful daughters and a nice home, He commented on my beautiful curly blonde hair which was something he liked about his ex-wife but he told me that their relationship had only ended as she was ‘crazy ‘.
He claimed to have similar interests to me, It was like he could read my mind when I struggled with anxiety triggered from trauma, he knew exactly how I felt and told me he could feel my pain too !
I missed every red flag as he had all the lines to entrap me in his web of lies, we only need each other ! you are special ! and I know how to treat a woman! were all the phrases that kept going through my mind.
I soon started to see another side to him and I couldn’t understand where my soul mate had gone but he always apologised, and I found myself forgiving him quite easily.
I believed that I was to blame and started to walk on eggshells as he had promised me so many great things and I really did love him.
He slowly started to change from the most amazing man I had ever met to someone who I didn’t know anymore, and I started to feel trapped.
Never had I lost myself to such extremes, becoming a person I didn't even recognise, and I started pleading with him to listen, but he just didn’t seem to care. I did whatever I could to make him happy, but this only increased my anxiety and the once so caring person that had supported me just stood by while my mental health deteriorated.
I tried to reach out for support but felt others wouldn’t understand and started searching the internet for people who may be able to help.
I was prescribed medication for my condition as it was hard for professionals to diagnose what was wrong with me as there had never been any physical abuse, but my body was riddled with pain.
Finally, I had a breakthrough when reading on line articles from people who had experienced the same symptoms as me. I was beginning to think I was Addicted to a psychopath.
Gaining validation and speaking to others who have been affected by Narcissistic abuse has been life changing for me and has enabled me to take back control in my life.
My physical symptoms have reduced considerably and I now spend my spare time researching the impact of this abuse, raising awareness and supporting those affected. Helping others to recover from trauma and abuse is my passion.
You saw me coming, didn't you? My broken, fragile heart, already deeply scarred, on display for all to see, crying out for that someone who would complete me, who would fix me, who would share my life and dreams.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my empathic, boundary-less self, with an astounding ability to attract damaged souls, my need to fix the broken, my blind openness feeding you all my weaknesses, loading the gun ready for your endless bullets.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my co-dependent, lonely, desperate self, just waiting for my knight in shining armour to gallantly whisk me away to my happy ending.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my giving nature, you were more than happy to take, to live off me, until soon that secure nest egg I had, dwindled to nothing, lining your own greedy pockets!
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my outgoing, bubbly personality, my friends always around me and you stripped me of it all, lacking in such traits and popularity yourself, why should I have any of this? And you made sure I didn’t!
You saw me coming, didn’t you? slowly you changed me, wear your hair like this, you look better without makeup, you should never cook like that, the put-downs, so subtle in the beginning, soon became constant. I crept around on eggshells terrified every second of every day that I would cause you to fly into an animalistic rage, hurling the most terrible words at me that I’ve ever been subjected to in my life!
You saw me coming, didn't you? my incredible fear of abandonment seeping out from every pore, begging you with no shame, pride or dignity remaining, begging you not to leave me alone again and again.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my generosity, welcoming you into my home, my life, my family just so you could create a catastrophic nightmare to fill the void in your own empty, soulless, pathetic sad self.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? Blaming and shaming me for your own actions, accusing me and lying to me to justify your own misdemeanors, humiliating me, degrading me, threatening me to satisfy your misogynist, evil, twisted mind, feeding your own insecurities while breaking down my own.
You saw me coming, didn’t you? my naivety, my vulnerability worn like a shield, so easy to manipulate and mold into your very own modern-day slave, always ready to meet your every want, whim and demand, desperate to please you, desperate to avoid the vile diatribe at all costs.
You saw me coming, didn't you? my emotional, sensitive soul, wide open for attack each time your tank was empty, sucking me dry of my energy, draining me to my core reserves, then leaving me in total despair once you’d filled your ego with my pain.
You saw me coming, didn't you? you came into my life like a hurricane, you filled me with your false promises, your false self and then ripped my already broken self to shreds and then you ran, ran like the soulless, monster you are, your job was done, leaving my life in total carnage just to prove you could still destroy another.
What you didn't know is I needed you to see me coming, I needed you to relight fires that were burning in my broken soul, I needed you to break me into so many pieces that I had no choice but to put those pieces back together and rise like the Warrior I am.
So thank you for seeing me, thank you for breaking me, thank you for forcing me to take the journey I’ve spent a lifetime needing to take, thanks to you I'm not just surviving, I'm thriving, I’m free, I’m discovering new parts of myself every day, I’m building a new life full of peace, serenity and happiness, surrounded by people that deserve my time, my love and my attention and I theirs.
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